Defining Gossip

It has been far too long since I last posted something to this blog. You can read about the purpose of this blog at the top of the page.

I want to define gossip for you today. Not because we're having a huge problem with it. In fact, I tend to try to address issues when they ARE NOT problems, because it's better to address things before they become a problem.

Gossip is the most destructive force in any church. In fact, I believe gossip can ultimately inflict more damage in a church than could be done if someone in a position of influence had an affair with another member of the church. I'm not saying that wouldn't be super damaging, but when affairs pop up it is explosive. The damage reaches way out and affects a ton of people. But as soon as the damage is done, a slow process of healing begins. Affairs are explosive.

Gossip, on the other hand, is corrosive. It eats away at the morale of a church. It creates an unsafe environment for the person or group being gossiped about. It causes people to begin breaking faith with one another, to doubt each others motives and intentions for good. It divides people into those who are "right" and those who are "wrong" and casts painful judgments on those deemed to be in the "wrong" place on an issue. Itself condemned in the New Testament, it also leads to other sins such as hypocrisy (since gossips are nearly always kind to the one they're gossiping about when they're face to face with that person), unforgiveness, and the creating of factions in the church. This is all evil, nasty stuff.

And yet gossip is one of the most frequently allowed and excused behaviors in the church. Pastors often snicker about it in meetings. "Ha, ha - you know how critical and negative and gossipy people can be." Yes, we do know that. But our job as a church is to be an alternative. If you want a gossipy environment, pretty much any place in the world will do. But the church must be different.

The purpose of this note is to define gossip for you. Sometimes we aren't sure whether something we are saying (or someone else is saying) is gossip or not. Some of us are trying hard to avoid gossip, but we don't always know where the line is. Let me make this as simple as I possibly can.

Gossip is saying anything negative about a person to any person who is not in a position to address and potentially fix the issue, or going to the right people in the wrong order.

What happens when, matters. The order in which you proceed, matters. Let's say someone at the church has wronged you, and you choose to come to my office and share it with me. Am I in a position to do something about your problem? Possibly. Still, the first question I will ask you is, "What did this person say when you spoke to them about it?" If you have not already done this, then I believe you are gossiping when you come to me. I should not know about issues you have with someone else unless you have gone to that person and tried to address it and come up against resistance and/or hostility.

You might say, "But what if I just want to come to you to brainstorm how I could address my problem with this person?" Okay - maybe! In that case, you do not need to share the name of the individual. Besides, if you have a problem with a person, then the way you address it is to speak to the person face to face, tell them how you felt when they did or said such and such, and give them a chance to respond. I would suggest that you not email the person or talk to anyone else about it. Go to the person you have the issue with and talk to them face to face, and be responsible for controlling yourself during that conversation. Anything less reveals a weakness of character. By the way, when you go to that other person, expect good things. The people of Wildwind are good people and if you expect good things from them, you'll get good things most of the time!

What about when you are at dinner with some church friends and conversation turns to someone who's not there? Is there anything wrong with making a few "observations" about how that person is, or acts? Most of the time, yes. The easiest way to determine what's appropriate is simply to ask yourself, "Is this something I would say if the person in question were sitting at this table right now?" If the answer is no, it is gossip and it is wrong to say.

The final situation I want to address is what is commonly called "venting." 90% of the time, what we call venting is little more than dressing gossip or lack of self-control up in a tuxedo and trying to make it appear reputable. However, there are some ways to "vent" responsibly. First, the goal of venting is not simply to dispel anger. Scientific studies on negative emotions show that the more a person talks about a negative emotion, the more negative that person will feel. So venting is ineffective as a way of making you feel better. The longer you gripe about something, the more upset you will get. What will make you feel better is resolution. So the only legitimate goal of venting is to help you get your head straight before you have a necessary confrontation. If your desire is to release anger, then you are not venting, you are gossiping. If your desire is to get your head straight, then here are some guidelines for doing that.

a. Have one (yes - one) person in your life who you know is an iron-clad secret keeper.

"But I don't want to restrict it to just one."

I know. Gossip.

b. This person must not only keep your confidence at all times, but it must also be a person who will be able to hear something about someone else without taking your side, getting angry at that person, and aligning with you against that person (choose carefully - most people cannot do this).

"But I want someone to take my side."

That's gossip for you.

c. The person you "vent" to should be a person who constantly encourages you to see the other side of things, who will empathize with you but not enter with you into your anger and frustration, and who will urge you to deal appropriately with the issue as soon as possible. If you find that you regularly "vent" to multiple people, and/or to people who align with you in your feelings against someone else, you are not venting - you are gossiping.

"But I won't be in a frame of mind to see the other person's perspective."

Gossipers never are.

d. You should never "vent" to a person to whom you have not given the permission in advance to say, "I think you're wrong on this one. You need an attitude adjustment." If you are not willing to hear that, then you are not seeking to get your head straight before a confrontation, but instead seeking to be affirmed in your anger against another person so you can seethe in it for a while.

"What? I'm not going to want to hear that I'm the problem."

Of course not. No one likes to hear that. Especially gossipers. Those who aren't gossiping don't like it either, but they know they need to listen when it needs to be said.

We often say we are "venting," but the very casualness with which we say it shows that that is not what we are doing. Gossip is always casual. It is thoughtless talk that gives no consideration to how the other party might feel. But we cannot vent casually. Venting is serious business and we must do it carefully, responsibly, and with a spirit that is ready to have that person point out that the problem may be in us. If you are not ready to do this, then you are nursing hostility.

So, having taken these various situations into account, let us go back to the original definition.

Gossip is saying anything negative about a person to any person who is not in a position to address and potentially fix the issue, or going to the right people in the wrong order.

What does this mean? It means when you have a problem with someone, go to that person and be honest about it. Seek reconciliation. It means not to use people who are not present as fare for casual conversation, unless you are certain it's something you would say if the person were there. It means that if there is someone else who might be able to help, go to that person after you have gone directly to the one who offended/hurt you.

You say, "Dave, this is strict - this is a high standard." Of course it is. James 3 tells us that the hardest thing we will ever do is learn to control our mouths. In fact, it says,

James 3:2 (NLT)
² Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.

So we see that the person who chronically gossips reveals that there is so much work left to be done in their life. Start thinking of gossiping as going without deodorant! When we go without deodorant, we will all start to stink eventually. Everyone knows that everyone will smell without deodorant but rather than saying, "What's the big deal, everybody will smell," and just stinking up everyplace we go, we make every effort to not be offensive. We realize that discretion is appropriate when it comes to odor. Yes, everyone will eventually get that way, but no one ought to want to, or be willing to parade that around in front of other people. We need to develop an appropriate sense of shame and embarrassment for doing things that so blatantly reveal our personal issues to other people.

We also see in this text that as we get other areas of our life under control, our speech will become softer and less damaging. And we see that as we apply ourselves to learning to control our mouths, we will learn discipline that is useful for bringing the rest of our lives under control.

Whether you are a small group leader, a member of Wildwind, or simply a regular attender, gossip is your enemy. Those who gossip to you about others will also gossip to others about you. That's a promise. Next time somebody is gossiping to you, ask them, "So what are you saying about me to other people?" Say it even in a half-joking way, and the awkwardness you'll get from the other person will assure you they've been running their mouth. Be wary about entertaining gossip, learn the art of changing the subject, start asking, "Am I your one person?" There are many ways of indicating that you will not be a party to something that is corrosive in the church and in your heart. And remember, when you entertain the gossip of another person, you are aiding and abetting that person in doing something that is damaging to them, as well as to the one they are gossiping about. What if we learned to say, “I care about you too much to listen to you say this.”

God bless you as you seek to bring this extremely tricky issue under the Lordship of Christ.

WildwindWorks #1: Why take Discovery?

In our WildwindWorks notes, we will address questions and concerns you may have about the workings of Wildwind. For this first note I want to talk to you about Discovery.

Wildwind has seen rapid growth in the past few months and there are many at our church who have not yet taken our Discovery course. We cannot state emphatically enough how important it is that you make Discovery a priority! Our goal at Wildwind is to be a church that is truly unique and that truly stands out among the tens of thousands of churches in our country. Did you know most churches:

a. Say they value evangelism (reaching out to those who do not know God) but do very little to create an environment where non-believers would be comfortable?
b. Teach a lot about finding God, but very little about being human?
c. Carry the belief that being a Christian means praying a "salvation prayer," and then trying very hard to do and not do certain things?
d. Expect very little from their attenders, even though Jesus clearly said that if we're actually living the Christian life, it will require everything we have?

Discovery is a class that runs 4 1/2 hours for four consecutive Sundays. That seems like a lot of time. It's 18 hours. And during that 18 hours, you will learn how Wildwind feels (and what we do) to reach people who do not know God. You will learn more about God, but you will also learn some really important things you need to know about yourself in order to relate to God the way you should (and want to). You will learn what we believe it means to live life as a follower of Christ (whether you currently are or are not!). Most of all, you will learn what Wildwind expects from those who become members at Wildwind and the exact reasons behind each of these expectations. And I don't want to forget that in Discovery we will begin to correct the mistaken notions that many people have about what the church is and should be. Most people have been involved in churches in the past that were doing little to intentionally create a place where non-believers could come to church. Most people have gone to churches where membership simply meant taking a one-hour class and having their name added to some list. Most people have been involved in churches that don't really ask anything of them, that function more like country clubs than the living body of Christ. Many have gone to churches that are led by people who make decisions not on the basis of what is best for the church but on the basis of pleasing those who complain the loudest. It takes a little time for us to explain how these things are responsible for the church's irrelevance in American society, and to get you excited about how incredible the church could be if we thought of it differently!

Anything really worth doing in life requires an investment. We believe your church is too important to trivialize by bringing you through a one-hour class and pretending like that's all you need to know. If you want to take the fast track to a status of membership in a local church, and all that matters is that your name is on the membership roll in the church office, you can do that at most churches in Genesee County (and in America). But if you want to connect -- if you want to plug into a church -- if you want to know what Wildwind is about and why -- if you want to commit yourself to something meaningful that is going to impact more and more people as we move into the future -- then I ask you to begin by devoting the first 18 hours to learning why we ask the things we ask.

In Discovery you will learn how different Wildwind is from most churches you could find. Some of you will love these differences, some of you will find them burdensome and wish things were easier. Wildwind is not a church for those who don't want to do anything except come and sit. It is a church for people who are willing to engage, and Discovery teaches you what that means to us and how to begin doing it.

So we ask people to make a deal. Anyone can come to Wildwind and just sit for as long as they want. No one has to contribute financially. No one has to serve in ministry or join a small group. But we simply ask people for the chance to allow us to get to them. Will you come and sit through the class with an open mind? Will you put yourself in a place where you could, just maybe, find yourself ignited by our vision? That will happen for many of you in Discovery. And for those that it doesn't happen for, then you will know beyond a doubt when you finish class that Wildwind is not the church for you -- and this is important to know!

We want to see every person who attends Wildwind take Discovery. Of those who take it, some will move quickly into membership. Some will desire to move toward membership but will find out about some goals they need to reach first. Others will leave without any particular conviction about membership. You will not be asked to make a membership commitment during the class. At the end of the class you will be asked if you think you might be interested in moving in that direction. That is all. If you mark yes, we will see what we can do to help you. If you mark no, then you will not hear from us about it.

You can always check to see if there is a Discovery class you can register for on our website.

FOLLOWERSHIP NOTE #1: Maintaining Faith In Leadership

For the last few weeks I have been posting weekly leadership training notes to a blog for Wildwind’s leaders to read and consider. Yesterday it occurred to me that I am not doing all I should be doing in terms of teaching and training. Most of you are not in positions of leadership (like being a small group leader, ministry coordinator, etc.) but deserve some specific guidance that suits you where you are.

Churches and businesses talk a great deal about leadership. We focus on developing and improving the skills of our leaders, but there is usually very little instruction on how to be a good follower. I want to talk to you about Followership. The truth is that following is as hard as leading sometimes, in its own way! So I want to equip you with some skills and perspectives that will make following a bit easier and more joyful for you.

A little disclaimer before I get started. I am not writing this note or any of the Followership Notes that will come after this one in response to any actual situations that are currently going on at Wildwind, or even directly due to any past situations. As far as I know we are in a tranquil time right now and I’m loving it! That’s why this is the perfect time to get down a few things that I know are going to be critical for us in the months and years to come. If leaders need to learn how to lead, followers need to learn how to follow.

Welcome to class!

I have one point for you today, and that’s that a follower’s first and most important task is to maintain faith in leadership. This is done by evaluating leadership carefully, and frequently ask the question, “Am I being led by people whose intentions for me and for the church are good?” There are three possible answers to this question. “Yes,” “No,” and “I don’t know.”

Let’s face it. Maintaining faith in leadership is not always easy. In fact, sometimes it’s extremely difficult. After all, followers are those who live with the decisions made by leaders. This can be frustrating sometimes! When someone else has made a decision, and something goes wrong, it is easy to get critical and resentful and to think, “Obviously someone dropped the ball or didn’t know what they were doing.” But a follower who isn’t maintaining faith in leadership isn’t really following – they are kind of just letting themselves be pulled along.

So it’s essential to maintain faith in leadership and that is done by asking the question above. Let’s look at each of the three possible answers and what to do in each circumstance.

If the answer is “Yes”…
…then as a follower you should support your leaders and choose to believe good things about them whether you always agree with them or not. They are human just like you and they will make mistakes. And as leaders they will nearly always have access to more information than you do. Always keep in mind when you disagree with something that it’s likely that you don’t have all the information your leaders had when the decision was made. This is as it should be. For leaders to make public everything they know would often be little more than gossip and that is inappropriate. That’s why it is critical that you trust your leaders to make wise decisions. This doesn’t mean you need to always agree with everything they say and do, just that if you believe their hearts are in the right place (that they don’t intend to do you or the church harm, that they sincerely love God and want the best for our church), you owe them your support. Yes, I said “Owe!”

1 Thessalonians 5:12-13 (MSG)
12 And now, friends, we ask you to honor those leaders who work so hard for you, who have been given the responsibility of urging and guiding you along in your obedience. 13 Overwhelm them with appreciation and love!..

So make the determination about whether your leaders are leading faithfully (not perfectly, but faithfully) and if so, support and encourage them.

If the answer is “No”…
…then I would suggest you make sure you are clear on what basis you believe this. Who has intentionally lied to you? Who has intentionally broken confidence with you? Who has intentionally hurt you? Intention to harm is unacceptable in church leaders. The reason I suggest you be so systematic is because people have a tendency to react when they have been hurt. “I can’t believe you did/said that!” Things will happen in every church that will cause difficulty sometimes. Before you react out of hurt, take a moment and say, “Did my leaders get up this morning with the intention to do harm to me, my friends, my family, or the church?” If not, there’s a good chance that what you actually have here are people doing the best they can to manage complex situations among people with interests that are not always the same, where sometimes someone is likely to end up feeling frustrated no matter what they do. So do a heart check to make sure that this is what you really believe and that you are not just reacting out of emotion.

If you have tried every way possible to extend to your leaders the benefit of the doubt (which both you and they deserve because that’s how God treats all of us in his mercy and grace), if you have met and talked to him/her/them and tried to work out your issue but you just can’t find a way through to peace, then you should leave Wildwind. You should not remain active in any church where you do not support the leadership. It will harm you, it will create resentment and frustration in you, and it will ultimately harm your leaders and the work they are doing in the church.

Ephesians 4:3 (NIV)
3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Now this whole thing about leaving is not nearly as simple as it sounds. The overwhelming message of the New Testament is that what God really wants for us is to be more agreeable! That means more patient, less critical, less given to judgment, and more loving and gracious. I do not claim that this is easy, but I didn’t write the book, my friends (trust me, if I had the standards would be much lower!). We are all called to live this way. We cannot allow ourselves to get into a cycle of “They made me mad, I’m leaving,” and then, “Now this church made me mad, I’m leaving again.” People who chronically move from church to church need someone in leadership to sit down and explain to them that there’s a spiritual issue of disagreeability, disobedience, and arrogance in their lives. Not that it would necessarily be well-received, but we should not act as if church-hopping is no big deal. It’s a sign of spiritual immaturity.

If the answer is “I don’t know”…
…it’s important that you get clear about that. Ask some questions. Make some phone calls. Take Discovery to find out what is required of those who are in leadership at Wildwind. Find out what kind of people are leading you and decide whether or not you will get behind them and support them. If so, go for it. If not, move on.

John 13:35 (MSG)
35 “This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other."

Will we love and bear with one another in the church? The world is watching. If we love each other, they will see in us an extraordinary commitment to one another that they will identify with the people of God. If we do not, they will say, “Obviously these people are not for real.”

In my next Followership Note, I will explain a few details about what it means to support your leaders and be a faithful follower. Because of personality differences, some people do this naturally very well. Others struggle in some areas. As a person who has in the past found it very hard to follow well (and who has never really been taught), I sympathize with that and want to be as helpful as I can. (By the way, good leaders are people who have learned to be good followers – the person who wants to lead but cannot follow does not deserve the privilege of having others follow them). I know how frustrating it can be to have important parts of your life in the hands of other people.

Imagine a church full of leaders who are learning to lead well and followers who are learning to follow well. Sounds like a recipe for the unity God wants us to have in the church. Let’s continue to make it happen!