I want to define gossip for you today. Not because we're having a huge problem with it. In fact, I tend to try to address issues when they ARE NOT problems, because it's better to address things before they become a problem.
Gossip is the most destructive force in any church. In fact, I believe gossip can ultimately inflict more damage in a church than could be done if someone in a position of influence had an affair with another member of the church. I'm not saying that wouldn't be super damaging, but when affairs pop up it is explosive. The damage reaches way out and affects a ton of people. But as soon as the damage is done, a slow process of healing begins. Affairs are explosive.
Gossip, on the other hand, is corrosive. It eats away at the morale of a church. It creates an unsafe environment for the person or group being gossiped about. It causes people to begin breaking faith with one another, to doubt each others motives and intentions for good. It divides people into those who are "right" and those who are "wrong" and casts painful judgments on those deemed to be in the "wrong" place on an issue. Itself condemned in the New Testament, it also leads to other sins such as hypocrisy (since gossips are nearly always kind to the one they're gossiping about when they're face to face with that person), unforgiveness, and the creating of factions in the church. This is all evil, nasty stuff.
And yet gossip is one of the most frequently allowed and excused behaviors in the church. Pastors often snicker about it in meetings. "Ha, ha - you know how critical and negative and gossipy people can be." Yes, we do know that. But our job as a church is to be an alternative. If you want a gossipy environment, pretty much any place in the world will do. But the church must be different.
The purpose of this note is to define gossip for you. Sometimes we aren't sure whether something we are saying (or someone else is saying) is gossip or not. Some of us are trying hard to avoid gossip, but we don't always know where the line is. Let me make this as simple as I possibly can.
Gossip is saying anything negative about a person to any person who is not in a position to address and potentially fix the issue, or going to the right people in the wrong order.What happens when, matters. The order in which you proceed, matters. Let's say someone at the church has wronged you, and you choose to come to my office and share it with me. Am I in a position to do something about your problem? Possibly. Still, the first question I will ask you is, "What did this person say when you spoke to them about it?" If you have not already done this, then I believe you are gossiping when you come to me. I should not know about issues you have with someone else unless you have gone to that person and tried to address it and come up against resistance and/or hostility.
You might say, "But what if I just want to come to you to brainstorm how I could address my problem with this person?" Okay - maybe! In that case, you do not need to share the name of the individual. Besides, if you have a problem with a person, then the way you address it is to speak to the person face to face, tell them how you felt when they did or said such and such, and give them a chance to respond. I would suggest that you not email the person or talk to anyone else about it. Go to the person you have the issue with and talk to them face to face, and be responsible for controlling yourself during that conversation. Anything less reveals a weakness of character. By the way, when you go to that other person, expect good things. The people of Wildwind are good people and if you expect good things from them, you'll get good things most of the time!
What about when you are at dinner with some church friends and conversation turns to someone who's not there? Is there anything wrong with making a few "observations" about how that person is, or acts? Most of the time, yes. The easiest way to determine what's appropriate is simply to ask yourself, "Is this something I would say if the person in question were sitting at this table right now?" If the answer is no, it is gossip and it is wrong to say.
The final situation I want to address is what is commonly called "venting." 90% of the time, what we call venting is little more than dressing gossip or lack of self-control up in a tuxedo and trying to make it appear reputable. However, there are some ways to "vent" responsibly. First, the goal of venting is not simply to dispel anger. Scientific studies on negative emotions show that the more a person talks about a negative emotion, the more negative that person will feel. So venting is ineffective as a way of making you feel better. The longer you gripe about something, the more upset you will get. What will make you feel better is resolution. So the only legitimate goal of venting is to help you get your head straight before you have a necessary confrontation. If your desire is to release anger, then you are not venting, you are gossiping. If your desire is to get your head straight, then here are some guidelines for doing that.
a. Have one (yes - one) person in your life who you know is an iron-clad secret keeper.
"But I don't want to restrict it to just one."
I know. Gossip.
b. This person must not only keep your confidence at all times, but it must also be a person who will be able to hear something about someone else without taking your side, getting angry at that person, and aligning with you against that person (choose carefully - most people cannot do this).
"But I want someone to take my side."
That's gossip for you.
c. The person you "vent" to should be a person who constantly encourages you to see the other side of things, who will empathize with you but not enter with you into your anger and frustration, and who will urge you to deal appropriately with the issue as soon as possible. If you find that you regularly "vent" to multiple people, and/or to people who align with you in your feelings against someone else, you are not venting - you are gossiping.
"But I won't be in a frame of mind to see the other person's perspective."
Gossipers never are.
d. You should never "vent" to a person to whom you have not given the permission in advance to say, "I think you're wrong on this one. You need an attitude adjustment." If you are not willing to hear that, then you are not seeking to get your head straight before a confrontation, but instead seeking to be affirmed in your anger against another person so you can seethe in it for a while.
"What? I'm not going to want to hear that I'm the problem."
Of course not. No one likes to hear that. Especially gossipers. Those who aren't gossiping don't like it either, but they know they need to listen when it needs to be said.
We often say we are "venting," but the very casualness with which we say it shows that that is not what we are doing. Gossip is always casual. It is thoughtless talk that gives no consideration to how the other party might feel. But we cannot vent casually. Venting is serious business and we must do it carefully, responsibly, and with a spirit that is ready to have that person point out that the problem may be in us. If you are not ready to do this, then you are nursing hostility.
So, having taken these various situations into account, let us go back to the original definition.
Gossip is saying anything negative about a person to any person who is not in a position to address and potentially fix the issue, or going to the right people in the wrong order.What does this mean? It means when you have a problem with someone, go to that person and be honest about it. Seek reconciliation. It means not to use people who are not present as fare for casual conversation, unless you are certain it's something you would say if the person were there. It means that if there is someone else who might be able to help, go to that person after you have gone directly to the one who offended/hurt you.
You say, "Dave, this is strict - this is a high standard." Of course it is. James 3 tells us that the hardest thing we will ever do is learn to control our mouths. In fact, it says,
James 3:2 (NLT)
2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
So we see that the person who chronically gossips reveals that there is so much work left to be done in their life. Start thinking of gossiping as going without deodorant! When we go without deodorant, we will all start to stink eventually. Everyone knows that everyone will smell without deodorant but rather than saying, "What's the big deal, everybody will smell," and just stinking up everyplace we go, we make every effort to not be offensive. We realize that discretion is appropriate when it comes to odor. Yes, everyone will eventually get that way, but no one ought to want to, or be willing to parade that around in front of other people. We need to develop an appropriate sense of shame and embarrassment for doing things that so blatantly reveal our personal issues to other people.
We also see in this text that as we get other areas of our life under control, our speech will become softer and less damaging. And we see that as we apply ourselves to learning to control our mouths, we will learn discipline that is useful for bringing the rest of our lives under control.
Whether you are a small group leader, a member of Wildwind, or simply a regular attender, gossip is your enemy. Those who gossip to you about others will also gossip to others about you. That's a promise. Next time somebody is gossiping to you, ask them, "So what are you saying about me to other people?" Say it even in a half-joking way, and the awkwardness you'll get from the other person will assure you they've been running their mouth. Be wary about entertaining gossip, learn the art of changing the subject, start asking, "Am I your one person?" There are many ways of indicating that you will not be a party to something that is corrosive in the church and in your heart. And remember, when you entertain the gossip of another person, you are aiding and abetting that person in doing something that is damaging to them, as well as to the one they are gossiping about. What if we learned to say, “I care about you too much to listen to you say this.”
God bless you as you seek to bring this extremely tricky issue under the Lordship of Christ.
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